Differences Between Men and Women
(found long ago on Internet, original author unknown, applauded by
First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship --
He refers to it as "the time when me and Suzie was doing it on a
semi-regular basis." When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and
pour her heart out to her girlfriends and she will write a poem titled
"All Men Are Idiots." Then she will get on with her life.
A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the
break-up, at 3:30 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I
just wanted to let you know you ruined my life and I'll never forgive
you and I hate you and you're a total whore. But I want you to know
there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You/I
Love You - Drunken Phone Call." 99% of all men have placed at least one
such call. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men
get over this need. Alas, these classes rarely prove effective.
Women prefer 30 - 45 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30 - 45
seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of
Women mature much faster then men. Most 17-year-old females can
function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball
cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high
school romances rarely work.
Women look good in hats; men look like dinks.
Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching
television, and an episode of "The Three Stooges" comes on.
Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh
uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's
favorite stooge. The women will roll their eyes and groan and wait it
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot
their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops
in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a
woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end
of the note.
A man has at most 6 items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush,
toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from
the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in a typical woman's
bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies. Women's
magazines also feature pictures of naked ladies. This is because the
female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy and
lumpy and should not be seen by the light of day.
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store
and buys these things. A man waits until the only items left in his
fridge are half a lemon and something turning green. Then he goes
grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a
man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the
Clampett's car on the Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop
him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
looking, men kick cats.
Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with
wearing one ring, and that's it. Any more than that and he will look
like a lounge singer named Vic.
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of
complicated emotional and psychological, and biological changes. The
nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual.
Menopause in men provokes a uniform reaction -- he buys aviator glasses,
a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves and goes shopping for a
Men see the telephone as a communications tool. They use the
telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her
girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same
friend and they will talk for three hours.
Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on television.
One of the fighters is felled by a low blow. The woman says, "Oh, gee.
That must hurt." The man doubles over and actually feels pain.
Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who
admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.
Richard Gere (see also -- Patrick Swayze)
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men
hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at
the health club and dates only married women.
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist
appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite
foods and secret dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people
living in the house.
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail. A man will
dress up for the following: weddings, funerals.
Nudity in Movies
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene.
This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced
by a 'man'. The only actor who has appeared nude in the movies is
Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.
Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on Earth. Women think
he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.
Men love to talk politics, but often forget to do political things
such as voting. Women are very happy that another generation of
Kennedys is growing up and getting into politics because they will be
able to campaign for them and cry on election night.
In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football,
and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly
as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.
Women talk about one thing in the locker room -- sex. And not in
abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical.
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every
article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip
about eight years ago, before he will do the laundry. When he is
finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside-out, rent
a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always
expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth.
Little girls love to play with toys. Then, when they reach the age
of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession
with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive
and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's, car
phones, complicated juicers and blenders, graphic equalizers, small
robots that serve cocktails on command, video games, anything that
blinks, beeps, and requires at least six "D" batteries to operate.
A woman asks a man to water the plants while she is on vacation.
The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five days later to an
apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.
With the exception of female bodybuilders who call each other names
like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the use of nicknames.
If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle get together for lunch, they
will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle. But if
Mike, Dave, Rob, and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately
refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain, and Useless.
Some men look good with mustaches. Those men are Tom Selleck and
Burt Reynolds. There are no women who look good with mustaches.
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